”I’m sorry I’m too busy for you tonight.” The single most hurtful thing ever been said to me.
Shouting at people in Spanish because they can’t punch you when they’re confused.
You may ask how a person could feel so alone in the world we live in. The truth is we are all alone. Loneliness comes from the heart and the heart is a heavy burden to carry. Emotions are controlled by the brain they say. If this were true then why is it when we hurt there is always that unfortunate familiar pain in our chests. A pain like no other. As though someone is chiseling away at your heart. That’s where the empty feeling comes from. To be empty is what I had always desired. To no longer have a burden to carry upon my chest. To be free of the pain, emptiness and loneliness that we are all subject to. I have found that this is not something we can run from. Nor something that we can search for the answer to. But something we find on our travels. We find it through learning from our mistakes. Loving people we find we should never have been tempted to love. From the places we’ve been and the places we are yet to venture. It is from these places we find tranquility. These are the places we will find become more important than our beliefs. These places are our sanctuaries. Somewhere we can escape to. A place where no one cares about what is in your head. A place where all sins are forgotten and all good deeds will not be remembered. A room. An object. A place. A person. A sanctuary is what you make of it.
I thought I had lost my inspiration. I have written something’s that people could really relate to. I wrote my last ‘story’ about how people do not really know how their futures will turn out and based it around my nanny. She was an amazing woman. Although at first sight she didn’t appear to be much, she was the rock in our family. She knew everything. She knew how to solve every problem she faced, and those of others. Although she didn’t have much, she never really worked, she was a very family orientated person. Following my Granddad to many countries as he worked in the air force, she raised their children, with a kind loving heart. She gave everything to her three boys. Her future was to be a great mother and this is what she did her whole life. She was my inspiration, I thought that when I lost nanny to a stoke, that soon after caused her death, my inspiration went with her. Although recently, very recently indeed have had an epiphany. I have been away from the keys for a while and it is not clear to me yet the reason why I am writing this, though I guess I will find out towards the end.
I traced my thoughts through the years. My mother was the one whom had my future planned out for me. I was to become a successful lawyer or barrister. I was to enroll into college and study law and accounting. Soon after I turned 16 I moved out and began to think how I would like my future to pan out. I did enroll into college although I saw my future very differently to my mother. My chosen subjects were also my passion in life, English and photography. These were my way of showing people how I saw the world. I soon learned that these were my release in life. I needed them to let out my frustrations.
Towards the end of college I knew I would not proceed to university as I knew this was the wrong path for me to take. Most use university as a way to grow up. I however have been ‘grown up’ for a very long time. Having responsibilities from a young age helped me make the transition from child to grown up very early in life, although sometimes I wonder if I did grow up too fast. Throughout college and soon after I began working, as I knew going straight into working life is what I needed and the right path for me to take. I began work in a small chip shop in my village; there I met some great people and others that I found to be very aggravating and inconsiderate. This business was and still is a great influence in my life. The chip shop is important to the story so do not disregard it as I once did.
I worked here until I proceeded into my job as a career. I loved being a career, having a big loving heart just as nanny had made me perfect for the job. My father however feared me proceeding in this line of work. This may sound silly, as I thought it did, but I now know he was right to fear it. He was concerned as he thought I would find a little old lady and use her as a replacement to fill the vacant hole nanny had left behind, and just as he feared this is what I did. Though this was not my intentions, this is what happened. I walked into the room the first time I met Lillian and my heart went out to this lady. She was strong willed and a very happy person. One of the biggest reasons I loved my job. She would talk about getting better and inviting me round to dinner that she would one day cook for me. I was her regular career, she and I took to one another straight away. Would always miss me when I went on holiday and greet me with a warm loving embrace the day I returned. The sad part to Lillian’s story is that she would never get better. She was and had been bed bound for 13 years, she had lost her two boys and was cared for by her only daughter. She was a very strong lady, happy all the time. Would always greet you at her bedroom door with a smile and never failed to ask how I was and if I had come to take her dancing today. This frail little lady should be an inspiration to everyone. The day she died brought pain to many. I went to her and the regular routine began, she greeted me with a smile and of course asked how I was, in returned I asked how she was and her answer was short lived…as always she was fine, not five minutes after she was in my arms as I was saying my goodbye to go to my next call and it was then in my arms that she took her last breath. This was a kick in the stomach. I fell in love with this lady and she took the love I felt for her with her on that day.
I didn’t last much longer in that job after she had passed. I found I did not get along with the company. I still didn’t know where my future was heading. Though like I said, recently I have had an epiphany. I spoke of a boy in my last story. I spoke of how he was my peter pan and I was his Wendy, I have learned that with every peter pan story every Wendy grows up and peter will always stay a boy that dreams of flying. This peter pan found his way to fly, this is his future. I have now found mine. I have gone from loving a boy who dreamed of flying, to loving a man who helps to fly. It is with this man that my future lays. That chip shop that I was so quick to move on from and disregard as just another part of my past, will be part of my future. Not the shop itself, but what lies within it. The man that helps me to fly is grounded here, and to him it may feel like concrete holding him down, he will one day learn that this is not the end of his path. This is just a short stop he has to take to be able to fly with me.
You are the one that has shown me that my inspiration did not die; nor was it lost. I just had to find another means of it. You have taught me that inspiration isn’t something that you go looking for and will hopefully someday find. Inspiration finds you. Just as you found me.
Although it wasn’t clear at the start, I have now seen I am not only writing this for my benefit. I said recently that I don’t think it is possible to be entirely happy, there will always be something holding you back from complete happiness, but its these things that hold you back, that you will one day learn from. Although I don’t know my entire future I do I know what some aspects of it are. You, you are the part of my future that I will always be clear about. No matter where I am in the world or if I get lost in the dark corners of my mind, I know you will always be there. You always be my light that helps pull me out of the dark, the map I will use to guide me through the streets. I may not be entirely happy but I know I am content, just as long as I have you. I write this not just because I have discovered I still have my inspiration, but in the hope that you can learn some things from me just as I have learned some important things from you.
(This is what I wrote last night after my little epiphany. It is directed towards my partner, he helps me so much)
Its results day…im so nervous. Grandma good luck. I love you.
Free for almost two years and ive just tipped over the edge. The past two weeks to a month have been hell. I need help